dancing in the moon

i snooped again today.

i just had that urge again to open his damn email and guess what? i felt a wave of painful happiness - because his letters seem to look as if they are coming from the mind of a very good and righteous man.

but is he? has he really changed? i don't know why, but lately my heart is falling into pieces. you know that certain corner of your heart that has been healed with bandages, but is now being torn again for reason that..you don't know?

aw, men.

this morning i woke up and bolted from a dream. i was sleeping and he was on top of me, trying to hug me lightly but reached for my right ear and whispered I LOVE YOU. it felt oh so real. when i wake to reality, i felt a pang of pain once again. i wanted to cry but i couldn't.

i wished then and hoped that he dreamt the same thing. or that it wasn't a dream. i didn't respond to him in my dream because i was thinking that he's getting married, and...and...is this real huh? i wanted to say i love you too but i controlled myself and thought about those 2 people who's gonna get hurt. but all of these are just in my dreams so.. i better quit it.

my friend told me that i should talk to him before the wedding. just to bring closure to things. but is that necessary? cos right now, i don't think i want to close anything. even before, i don't think i wanted that either. i just wanted for us to move on.

what's happening to me?

when i woke up this morning i thought, what is so significant about today's date? july 18. is it a friend's birthday? a special occasion or event? a holiday maybe?

and it hit me. today it is officially 3 years since we broke up. time really passed by so quick i never knew what hit me.

just last year, we were trying to regain our friendship. i was. he was trying to get back with me, and when i told him, "hey just friends ok? i am still in a relationship." and he became angrier. he thought i was getting back with him as well. stupid ass.

and a year before that, he was in my apartment practically begging me to take him back. i made him listen to the song that struck me as THE running theme song of our relationship: PRETENDING TO CARE.

and you know what? this morning, i felt a tinge of pain in my heart.

i think i miss him.

not for anything, i mean i feel like i just want to be at ease with him again. but all the harm was done, with the wedding and all the words i hurled in this blog.

my friend was right. i still care for him and feel something about him. cos i was so angry-and that is just pure manifestation of feeling something strong in my heart.

ooh, i gotta do some soul searching here. i want to stop how i feel but how?

god help me.

i just realized today that i am angry.

i want to be angry at him so i won't have to reach out to him.. i want to spew out words that would hurt him.

damn it. i don't like this feeling anymore. AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

i want him to just disappear. out of my sight. out of my mind.

i knew this was coming.


and so i learned that the wedding is at the theater, with all my theater friends mobilized to do things for the ceremony. and i also know, that the caterer me and my partner brought in and introduced to the compnay CAN be identified as their caterer.


well, i was damn right. i knew it...


they should be careful with what they will be eating. har-har! and someone already called me: cruella deVille.


this is really a trying moment...and at the same time,,,my moment to take off and tell them: hey bitches, give me some credit cos i contributed to your everlasting HAPPINESS!


i am just so damn giddily pissed!

Do you know why Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet characters want to elope?


I was surprised when I learned why.


My acting teacher said that Romeo wanted to marry Juliet because they wanted to have sex, and to make sex "legal" is to be subject to holy matrimony.


Sounds soooooo familiar.


Need I say more?

It still hurts.

After 3 years of living our lives apart, i can still feel the hurt. And I don't know why.

I told my friends about how I felt, and one asked me " why even bother?" The other one told me to pick a fight, just so I could tell him how I feel. Another shared my sentiment and told me that I didn't lose anything. And most of them said I should focus on the person I am with now, pull my energies together and love with all my heart.

I should have been okay, I could have grappled with the fact that we go to the same office everyday and have the same set of friends. I have lived with it for 3 years..and in the past year I was okay with the idea that he's found somebody. So what, who cares right? But then again, that same girl wasn't his friend before, they just met last year and they haven't (as others said) had a fight. That's fine by me. But a few weeks ago, I got a message from him, officially validating the buzz going around the office:

so it's like this: we're not together anymore, but last night we were together. it was amazing how we have managed to talk as friends, just like the way we used to when we weren't a couple yet. although there were some conversation spots on his flirting, and my value as his partner, i basically had fun. i don't think i'm even committing a sin against myself or to anyone, for being with him on a night that we considered "special."

i realized a lot of things when we were talking. this person is a friend. i know he has that certain machismo, the one i really hate, but then again that's him-and i accepted him for that. it also turned out that it won't be that hard for him to admit to himself what i really am (even if it would really hurt him), but then he has to. i mean, he knows me even before we got together...

we're very good friends, and that's how i want everything to be. last night we said we're both not thinking of getting back together again...and that gave me great relief. at least he's somehow relaxing, finding other ways to make himself happy. and i don't want to get back because i want to spread my wings and discover a lot more of what life has to offer me...

it dawned on me that talks with him should not dig deep into the wounded areas of our relationship before, but rather on what is just on the surface. he couldn't handle it, i know, because that's where crappy stuffs would eventually come out. so i learned not to be too emotional or sentimental about our break-up..but to treat it like men do.

that's when we can talk a lot better.

if things didn't go differently, we would be celebrating tonight for our 5th year of being together. he sent me a message this morning, saying he didn't know how to greet me today. i didn't either. so i just said, have a great day and see you later at rehearsals.

the truth is, if i wasn't reminded i would have been alright. but since he did, i felt a wave of loneliness rushing over me now. i remembered two things about the 12th of january:

first, the celebrations. gifts, dinner dates, lovemaking and just plain hanging out. that's what's supposed to happen right? the past years, that's what i look forward to. sometimes we don't celebrate on the same date of our anniversary, could be the next day, or the day before...most of the time it's not what i expected. because the second thing i can remember are the times when we're supposed to celebrate, when we had plans but he couldn't make it. there were a lot of disappointments. in fact, right now i don't remember the anniversary celebrations we had. i just remember the two when he failed to come because of school or work, i forgot...and the time we had a fight. i don't know. maybe i just willed myself to forget, or my system just didn't want to remember.

i can choose what to feel right now, can i? then i want to feel that numbness..that feeling i had when i first rehearsed our scene..that apathy..

i want to burst into tears, but it seems i have none left. i can only carry this loneliness in my heart, and the only place i can shed those tears is in my heart. i have loved so much, but it was not fought for by the person i wanted to spend my life with...

the reason we could celebrate today..or the reason for me to celebrate, is to love myself - - and give me enough love so i would not feel lonely or alone on such a memorable day.